Without too much backstory, I wrote this Onion-like piece a few days ago in a fit of “needing to do something that isn’t what I should be doing”. I liked it so much, I thought, huh maybe I’ll submit it to the actual Onion. Turns out, they don’t take submissions. Fuck ‘em. I got my own blog for that!
Girls isn’t funny, reports mid-Western teenage boy
Amid heaping critical praise and steadily improving ratings, a dark cloud has risen over the new HBO series Girls. While numbers and buzz may be up, some say creator Lena Dunham needs to focus more on entertaining one viewer in particular: 17 year-old Brian Calvers of Witchita, KS.
“It’s just not funny to me,” said Brian at a press conference he held yesterday on the rim of his parents’ above-ground pool, newly opened for the summer. “I don’t know why anyone would like that show.”
The program, which highlights the experiences of four young women in their twenties in New York City, would at first glance would not seem to be targeted at Calvers at all. Calvers disagrees with this premise.
“Funny is funny. There’s nothing else to it. I laugh at shit all the time. South Park is always funny. This show is just about some boring whiny chicks.” Calvers revealed this new insight to the press as he sleepily skimmed his parents pool for algae and bugs. “Plus they’re not even hot,” he adds.
Calvers has held his position as the official representative of the key “white males 14-34” demographic for almost every major US television network for the past three seasons. This is a heavy responsibility, but Calvers claims he is up to the task now that he quit playing JV Lacrosse to up his television time.
“I watch TV constantly. That’s how I know what’s good and what’s bad,” says Calvers. “I’m watching shows on my way to school, even in class!” He credits his iPod nano with detachable American flag wristband as the key to his success. “I probably watch between 80 and 90 hours per week – I know what good TV is all about!”
“He has always watched a lot of television and I’m happy he can finally make use of all that wasted time,” says his mother, Karen Calvers, 37. Still, his mother holds some doubts about the position.
“The networks are paying him quite a lot of money,” reveals Mrs. Calvers. “But I still think he’d be better off coming to church with me on Sundays. He’s just like his father.”
Calvers is no slouch when it comes to performing his due diligence – he spends nearly every waking hour screening televised media for quality control purposes. He disseminates his findings via Facebook posts, the occasional Tweet and by turning around in study hall and telling his friend Marco Moldavi.
“Marco thought Girls was ok because there was at least tits,” pontificates Calvers. “But then I said how that girl isn’t even fuckable with his dick.” Moldavi now admits that Calvers’ original assertion was correct.
“I’m so glad I know Brian, you know?” says Moldavi, 16. “Otherwise how would I know what’s good on tv? How would anyone?”
With so much at stake, it would seem that Calvers’ opinions will hold fast for another few seasons. In a recent tweet to television networks, he has unilaterally recommended that programming across the board include, “more explosions, decaputations [sic], and tit shots (show nips) #letsgetnippy”.
As for the fate of Girls? Calvers says the critical praise won’t go very far in his report to HBO on the series’ strengths and weaknesses.
“Boring stuff always gets hype. Like, maybe some older chicks want to hear ugly girls talk about periods, but at the end of the day what matters is what I think. And I think it stinks.”
Dunham forwarded our interview request to HBO, who issued the following statement: “We at HBO ask that Mr. Calvers kindly reassess the show, with careful consideration for the attractiveness of the characters Jessa and Marnie. If he plays close attention to the entire season 1 arc, Mr. Calvers will also note that there are visible nipples in four frames per episode on average. We applaud Mr. Calvers on his tireless work on behalf of the television community and look forward to another year of ratings success under his guidance.”